The Friendship

the night it started

Keegan’s phone buzzed, a new message.

Of course they needed to worry. Keegan let out a sigh as she replied.

Allie was right again. It’s not that Keegan didn’t agree, but rather, she just felt helpless. The thing is, Keegan and Lydia had been best friends for eight years. They did everything together...until now. Until Lydia got a new job, stopped caring about school, and met a guy who she barely talked about. The only thing Keegan really knew about him was that everyone at work despised him. No joke, those were Lydia’s exact words. A whole group of people despised him but according to Lydia it was for no reason. They didn’t know him, she said, and they hated him pointlessly. The fact that all of them hated him so much that they even all called him “Satan” meant nothing. The people who had worked with him for years did not know who he really was but Lydia certainly did after only a few weeks. Yeah, that totally makes sense. Keegan had every right to be worried as Lydia had always gone on and on about how she wanted a boyfriend so bad that Keegan knew she would, and in fact was, moving way too fast and without thinking this through. Keegan loved Lydia to death but she knew her better than anyone and she knew how reckless, impulsive, and stubborn she could be. Keegan couldn’t help the feeling in her stomach, the feeling of nervousness, distrust, and worry. It was relentless and it kept growing. It said to her, you need to do something, say something, now. Yeah, okay, that would go over well. Keegan played the conversation in her head, knowing exactly how it would go down as she knew Lydia better than she knew herself:

Hey Lyds, here’s the thing, I don’t think he is a great guy. I don’t know much about him, but everything I do know is bad. And you’re moving really fast. I just love you and I want what’s best for you and that’s why I’m--

Oh, so you’re jealous. You don’t even know him Keegan how could you just attack him--

I’m not jealous and I’m not trying to attack you or him. I just want to make sure you’re being careful and thinking this through, I mean you said everyone at work hates him--

They just don’t know him like I do. Neither do you.

Okay but--

I can’t believe you aren’t being supportive. You’re supposed to be my best friend.

That is exactly why I am saying something. Because I care about you--

Whatever. A true friend would stand by me.

Yeah, it would be one big argumentative mess. Lydia wouldn’t listen. She wouldn’t see that Keegan was just trying to help. Keegan had always thought her and Lydia were the kind of friends who could tell one another anything, and yet here they were, in a situation where Keegan was positive Lydia did not want to hear any of what she wanted to say. So Keegan had no choice but to stay quiet. It would be okay.

It had to be.

crumpled flower

It in fact was not okay. It was bad. So bad. After that night, Keegan didn’t know who Lydia was anymore. It sounds dramatic, sure, but it was the truth. Lydia didn’t call, text, or see Keegan for two whole weeks when they used to talk, text, or Snapchat consistently and see each other multiple times a week. On the semi-bright side was the fact that her and Allie had grown closer. Not that they weren’t close before. Keegan had known Allie since middle school when they were in art class then girl scouts together but their friendship had faded in and out over the years. It only really stuck when they reached junior year. Ever since then, Keegan, Allie, and Lydia had been a “Golden Trio,” as Keegan and Allie liked to call them, much to Lydia’s chagrin as she (somehow) hated Harry Potter. Anyway, it had been two weeks with basically no communication from Lydia when she at last reached out.

Why is she shouting? Was the first thing Keegan wondered. Then, flower is crumpled? What- Then, it hit her. It was a reference to one of their favorite television shows. Flower is crumpled=I lost my virginity. Hoooly crap. She doesn’t reach out or respond to their messages for two weeks and all of the sudden she does to tell them over text that she...wow. Here’s the thing, Keegan and Lydia normally talked to one another about literally anything and everything. Like, Lydia would tell her literally the most miniscule unimportant things. So to hear out of the blue over text that she had gone and done this with a guy she had only been on three dates with without talking to Keegan about was so utterly shocking and scary. Keegan wasn’t judging her for having had sex, not at all, but for letting a guy she barely knew so consume her entire life and now letting him have such a hold on her that he convinced her to do this--because, oh yes, Keegan did know he had somewhat forced or pushed her into this. Lydia had told her and Allie both two weeks prior after the “Target parking lot date” she was nowhere near ready to have sex and was nervous because he had before and would want to soon. And the real problem was that sex to Lydia meant something, to her it meant love and safety and was so special and intimate whereas to this guy, well…

Before Keegan could think further, a new message interrupted her thoughts.

What do we do indeed. Keegan knew exactly what she wanted to do, and that was to talk to Lydia, to shake some sense into her. She could see how that would go.

LYDS! I love you to death, you know that. And all I want is for you to be happy and loved by someone worthy of your love. I get that you’re falling for him, but here’s the thing, I’m worried. We’re worried. All of us who know you and care about you and love you. You’re moving so fast and you’re distancing yourself from all of us. You dove into this relationship headfirst and we just want to make sure you are being careful and thinking things through. None of us know him, but all we do know about him is bad, so of course we are worried. Basically everything you have told us about him isn’t great and so we’re just wondering if you’re really thinking this through--

God, Keegan, why can’t you just support me? You’re supposed to be my best friend--

I will always love and support you, but part of that is that I also have to be honest with you. I would want you to be honest with me too. Being honest with one another is so important in any relationship, friendships included. All I want is for you to talk to me. Allie and I both just want to be able to be there for you, but how can we when you won’t talk to us? You have always been so honest and open with us and now you’re being secretive and distant and we are so worried--

You guys just want to judge me--

We would never judge you. We may not always agree on everything and heck we definitely won't, that’s just life, we are going to disagree with one another sometimes, but regardless of course we want to be able to be there for you--

All you guys do is attack him--

We are never trying to attack him, you are just so defensive about everything when it comes to him when all we are trying to do is just be honest with you and to look out for you and you are resentful towards us for that. Never have we said anything that is an attack on him--

I’m in love with him and nothing is going to change that. Either support me or get out of my life.

Keegan’s frustration only grew as she played through it. She felt so utterly helpless. The phrase “love is blind” had never really made sense to her until now. Because now it was so true and right there in front of her. Because now one of the most important people in her life was being so consumed by something so obviously bad and yet she was so blind to this fact. Because now there was nothing she could do.

stop saying sorry

Things still sucked. Allie and Keegan had actually tried to subtly speak up a few times but it never went well. So they just gave up. Keegan could never and would never understand why Lydia wanted “yes-men” friends who lied to her face and held back the truth but it was clear that was in fact what she wanted. Friends who faked how they felt. Today, four months after Lydia had told them she lost her virginity, they were going to meet him. Keegan was one, annoyed, because this was a girls day they had planned out with Lydia, Allie, Keegan, and Keegan’s cousin Kylie that Lydia had decided to include him in, and two, somewhat hopeful that meeting him would change how she felt about him. Kylie and Allie were on the same page as she was. It wasn’t looking good, though, as so far he had been way too touchy with both Allie and Keegan whilst sitting behind them on the trolley and rudely interrupted Keegan talking to Lydia by grabbing her face and making out with her. They were headed for Comic-Con downtown. They were to meet Kylie down there as she had work for the earlier part of the day at her hair salon downtown. The day was consistently marred by his negativity and need to be in control as he refused to listen to anyone when they knew where to go and kept taking off leaving Allie, Kylie, and Keegan annoyed and Lydia embarrassed and hurt. Then, when it looked like it couldn’t get worse, he suddenly said, “Well, I’m gonna get going now ladies” and left on the trolley despite the fact they had all rode there together and had all planned to return together. Lydia’s face clearly conveyed that she was shattered, and seconds later she started sobbing. They led her to a bench and comforted her as best they could. Keegan watched her frantically type a message to “M,” her boyfriend who she had in her phone as “M” even though his name started with a J. This was because she did not want anyone at work to know she was dating him. He didn’t work there anymore (surprise surprise) but she knew they would judge her because they all despised him. Just another demonstration of how she kept him secret and separate from everyone in her life. Anyway, Keegan watched Lydia type through the tears that would not stop rolling and felt her heart sink.

Sorry? He is a jerk all day and the first thing she does is apologize when she has done nothing wrong? What on earth does she have to be sorry for, all of this was entirely his fault! STOP SAYING SORRY, Keegan wanted to scream. Keegan was furious and Lydia could not stop sobbing. Eight years of friendship and Keegan had never seen Lydia cry so much. Not even when her first boyfriend cheated on her, not when her grandpa died, and not when she was bullied in highschool. Never had she cried and been hurt like this. Today was meant to be a fun day for her and her friends, and he had ruined all of that, but all Keegan could think or care about was the shattering sounds of Lydia’s endless sobs as she continually tried to call and text him only for him to ignore every single thing she said.

eyes of a stranger

A little over a year passed and Lydia was still with him. On this cold and bitter night, Keegan, Allie, and Lydia sat in Keegan’s car in the Sonic parking lot. It was the first time they had gathered as a group in months and Lydia was acting off. But Keegan was not surprised, Lydia rarely acted like herself these days.

“I have to tell you guys something,” Lydia suddenly blurted out from the backseat. Allie and Keegan turned to face Lydia slightly better and raised their eyebrows at her in confusion.

“I’m moving to Arizona” Lydia said in a strangled gasp.

Keegan froze, literally, it seemed like things were frozen. Her slushie nearly slipped out of her hand and the car was eerily cold and silent. She was shocked, and trying to process her feelings. She should be crying, right, or close to? But instead she felt...happiness. Relief. Excitement. Then an overwhelming flash of guilt and shame for feeling that way. Why did she feel that? What was wrong with her? Her friend of eight years just told her she was moving away and she felt all these positive emotions about it?

“It has been in the works for quite awhile but we were just trying to find some way to stay.”

And bam, another cold blow, this had been a possibility for a while and Lydia had not mentioned it to her supposed bestfriends? Keegan’s eyes searched Lydia’s face, looking, trying to find the girl who had been her sister and number one for so many years. The eyes staring back at her were detached, distant, cold, and unrecognizable.

Eight years. Eight years of friendship all swirling and sinking down the drain in a matter of moments. She had never thought this could happen. How many times had she said things like, “We’re friends for life!” or “When we live together I’m not putting up with that!” or “You’re the sister I’ve always wanted.” Looking into these eyes, these eyes that could have been a strangers eyes, they were that unfamiliar, all of those things seemed laughable now.

They say breakups are the worst heartbreak, but having been through both a few times Keegan would absolutely argue that friendship breakups were ten times worse. See, friendships have an air of permanency about them. They seem so dependable and permanent you never really consider the possibility of them ending. With relationships, you realize the potential for things to go wrong before they ever even begin. With friendships, you never see it coming until it has already snuck up on you and it is too late and it hurts too much.

do you want to hear it?

It had been a year since she had said she was moving away. Keegan had gotten a postcard a week ago and it still sat unopened on the counter. She just couldn't bring herself to look at it. To read it. To hear what she had to say. But every single day it taunted her. Tormented her. And today was her birthday and so escaping thinking about her was impossible anyway. With shaking hands, she picked up the card.

Keegan let out a breath she did not know she was holding. Her mind was spinning, circling, retracing the events of the past. All of this started the moment Lydia started dating him. Then Lydia not telling Keegan anything. Then it got worse with the crumpled flower incident. Then Keegan and Lydia’s friendship had really started fizzling out after the events of Comic-Con. There was so much effort from Keegan’s side, but it seemed like what had happened that day had distanced Lydia entirely from her friends that she did not even tell them she was moving until the last minute. Lydia moving away had been the final straw, the last piece needed to light the fire that blazed up and burned the thread connecting them to absolute ash and ruin. So much had changed, but so much had also not changed. He still was so bad for her, that much was crystal clear. But, truthfully, that was not what rifted their friendship, not really. It was Lydia. Her not talking to Keegan, her getting mad at Keegan for being honest with her, her not making an effort, and her choosing to become a distant stranger. In spite of all of that, Keegan knew without a doubt she still loved Lydia. Lydia was family to her and always would be. So now Keegan had to decide. Was their friendship just memories, history, and comfort? Was it too haunted by the past? Was it time for her to let go and move on? Or, could they move forward, could they work through it? Was there still potential for a bond there? Had Lydia truly changed? Keegan put down the postcard.

She knew what she had to do.