Fine Line

Border, as defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary: to touch at the edge or boundary.

It was close, too close for comfort. She was losing herself in those brown eyes. In his voice, broken and desperate. In those black curls that always managed to tangle and muddle her mind, continuously pulling her back to him. She was stuck, trapped really, treading a fine line between her heart and her head.

Her heart: He gets you. You get him. He sees you. You see him. Crossing the border is inevitable.

Her head: Do not do it. He is your best friend. If you cross this border, there is no going back. Not now, not ever. Things will be forever changed.

She was nearing the border now and unless her head could convince her otherwise, she was going to break through. Such a funny thing, being this close to losing control when she was usually all about control, carefulness, and structure. But it was not surprising, after all, that is what he did to her. Drowned out her mind and reason and logic and filled her with love and confusion and possibility. And in that moment she could see the border, the edge, and she was so close to touching it. The problem was that here, in their spot, the boundaries were always so blurred. Lying on their backs side by side on the trampoline, the mesh circling it, and the cool evening breeze swirling around, the stars twinkling and dancing in the sky, everything became...different. Perhaps it was the circular shape of the trampoline, encircling them in a world, a little bubble that seemed separate from the rest of the world, perhaps it was the infinite night sky, but whatever it was, here the borders and boundaries they had so carefully established disappeared as they were in a space that seemed far away from their normal lives. But, of course, it wasn’t. The air of the world still touched them, it still flowed through the holes in the mesh, the trampoline was roofless and the sky in the trampoline was the same one outside of it, and this was all that was holding her in place. Without the cold air and the familiar night sky reminding her to keep her senses... well, she did not even want to consider what would happen.

“I’m sorry about last night. I know I owe you an explanation,” he said, his puppy dog

eyes still pouring into hers as her eyes stayed fixed on the sky.

She swallowed nervously. She was not sure why, but some part of her instinctively knew. Knew that simply from his messages last night something had been off and different and...and new. Last night. Grad night. A night that she had always been told would be one of the most memorable ones of her life. A night full of fun, friends, laughter, and roller coasters at a theme park. But the real roller coaster for her had come when he had texted her around 10 pm. Of course, it had started when him and his friends had boarded the same bus as her and her friends had. He had playfully rumpled her hair as he went by and she had smiled only to turn to her right and see the uncomfortable look on her other friend's face. Her two best friends, him and her. Her two friends who she had foolishly decided to introduce to one another freshman year thinking they could all be friends. Well, they got too friendly and became the world's most messed up and complicated couple. Seriously, it was a nightmare, and being stuck in the middle of two of the most important people in her life dating was seriously ugly and unbelievably exhausting. And the fact that she had developed a crush on him from the very first day they had met, long before she had introduced her to her other friends and the fact that she knew he had reciprocated those feelings for her yet still decided to date her friend...well, that had only intensified the difficulty of the situation. Luckily, that had been over for three years, unluckily, her friend still held a massive grudge against him.

“I know I said we would meet by the Twisted Tornado roller coaster. I know you went out

of your way to go there. And I know I didn’t show. And then I ignored you...I’m really

sorry. I...I didn’t meet you there because...if I had, I wouldn’t have been able to stop

myself from doing something I shouldn’t...and I know I have a girlfriend, well, had one,

but last night she was being insane and jealous over nothing again and I broke up with

her and I was thinking about you and…”

Her head: Jealous over nothing? Yeah, all of his girlfriends are always concerned about his...tendencies...because he has an ugly track record. And they are right to be worried. Just look at the fact that he has told you various times over the course of these four years that he has been in love with you and all those other girls mean nothing to him, that he did not want to mess things up between you so he would wait to be with you until he was mature enough, man, it really is so messed up --

Her heart: But of course it is, he is messed up, after all, that is what walking in on your mom cheating on your father at only eight years old will do to a person, he does not know what he is doing is wrong, he is confused and--

Her head: Confusion is okay, but hurting others because of that? It is not okay. And sure, you have helped him stop doing that as much, and sure you have tried to help him be better and do better in his relationships, but that does not excuse it. He is a player through and through and you cannot change that--

Her heart: He is different with me. He always tells me the truth. He has never lied to me. When he does terrible things, he tells me. He wants to be better, and he can be. I have helped him. He means so much to me. He is different with me. We are different.

“I wanted to kiss you. And if I saw you, I would’ve,” he finished.

Yeah, she should have been shocked, probably, at him openly admitting to that, but she was eerily calm. Like she had said, something had felt different, so her surprise was minimal.

“Hello? Anyone there? Say something?” he said, his voice back to its usual light and

joking tone with only a slight undertone of stress.

Was he just going to try and gloss over this? That would not surprise her either. Ignoring and brushing things aside was also quite common for him. But she could not ignore it because she could see the edge. The edge of the border they had never crossed was usually so fuzzy and distant but right now it was perfectly clear. It was hard, so hard, because she loved him so much but that love was so confused and complicated. She could not tell, had never been able to tell, where her love for him as a friend and her love for him as more started and ended. It all blurred together. All that was clear was that she loved him immensely.

Her heart: Tell him. Tell him you have never really stopped having feelings for him. Tell him you have had feelings for him since the very first day you met.

Her head: The risk of losing him is too great. If you tell him and you pursue this, it is going to end badly. He is not mature enough to not hurt you. He won’t want to hurt you, but he will. You know this.

She sighed. “I...I don’t know what to say.” Her eyes stayed staring at the stars. She

knew looking at him would be a mistake.

“I don’t either. I just thought you should know.”

“Well, I’m glad I know, I guess.”

“I wish things weren’t so complicated with us. You know how important you are to me,

right?”

“Yeah, me too. And I do. You mean a lot to me too.” “Well, maybe someday…”

“Someday…”

The stars seemed to twinkle and glow a little brighter then as his hand reached out and held hers. She held on tightly, as did he, her eyes never leaving the starry sky and its limitless possibility.